By Steven Gan
One of the things I like about Facebook is that it gives me a wonderful opportunity to debate with my conservative friends all the issues that we so passionately disagree on. Whether the topic is gun control, women’s reproductive health, marriage equality, immigration, climate change, my days and weeks can be filled with exhausting and pithy back-and-forth banter. With a few of my conservative FB friends, at least the ones who haven’t unfriended me yet, the debate threads sometimes go on and on: we’re like two boxers who are barely standing by the 10th round.
But when, recently, one of my stalwart opponents made a final comment to me, for perhaps the first time we found ourselves standing on common ground. “Unfortunately, the GOP doesn’t have a single, clear, and popular candidate who can really enthuse and rally the party and its supporters,” he said.
To read my Facebook antagonist’s honest assessment was almost shocking, but anyone who follows the silly antics, outlandish comments, and bizarre perspectives of the GOP candidates can easily come to the same conclusion. Let me take a moment to give you a quick rundown on my top 10 Republican candidates for 2016 and point out why they’re nothing but part of the cast of the next new reality TV show.
1) Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker
According to a nationwide Quinnipiac poll released in early March, Walker has recently been leading the GOP pack with 18 percent of Republican primary voters. That’s impressive, considering that he’s really not well-known nationwide.
In February, Walker went off to England to obtain some semblance of foreign policy credentials. When asked by one UK reporter whether he believed in evolution, he responded…. well, actually, he had no response. I suppose he just didn’t want to go down a path that could alienate the religious conservatives of his party.
But I got more insight into how Walker’s mind works when he was asked recently at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference how he would handle ISIS. His coy response was, “If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world.” Comparing the teachers, firemen, policemen, and other union supporters who were peacefully protesting to radical terrorists who commit heinous, violent crimes just makes me cringe.
2) Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee
While the rest of the country is moving forward, accepting marriage equality and being open-minded about other social issues, Huckabee is digging in his heels. His new book, God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy, is nothing but camouflage for his religious liberty crusade.
I was watching one of Huckabee’s comical interviews when he declared, “Forcing people opposed to same-sex marriage to accept it is the same as telling Jews they have to serve bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.”
Mike, if you’re reading this, just for the record, no one is forcing any kosher deli owner to sell shrimp wrapped in bacon. Just as you can marry someone of the opposite sex, if you prefer. However, if you were to walk into a kosher deli, you could not be refused service, no matter how repugnant your ideas.
3) Former Texas Governor Rick Perry
Talk about delusional. When you’re under federal indictment for abuse of power and you still think you have a chance to become President of the United States, something upstairs is amiss.
I know Rick Perry is very good at leading thousands in prayer, and maybe he thinks that this talent will somehow save him from going to trial, but the reality is that he’ll drop out of the GOP race as soon as the Feds set a trial date, most likely once the campaign season gets underway. It’s all about perfect timing.
4) New Jersey Governor Chris Christie
The George Washington Bridge traffic rerouting scandal is probably not going to matter all that much anymore. What will probably hurt Christie is not anything to do with his policies or the fact that New Jersey’s bond rating has been downgraded a few times since he’s been governor. Instead, he’ll pander to the Tea Party element of the GOP telling them that he’s the “real conservative,” while the other candidates keep showing pictures of him embracing President Obama right after Hurricane Sandy.
5) Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal
I once thought Jindal was not as entrenched in GOP ideology as the others, but since he’s been thinking of throwing his hat into the ring, I hear him espousing the conservative line more and more. Jindal is currently fighting with his own party over how to, on the one hand, fill a $1.6 billion budget hole and, on the other hand, maintain his anti-tax bona fides. Republicans like to think of each state’s economy as a microcosm of the U.S. economy. If you can’t balance the budget in your own little corner of the world, then what makes you think you would be able to balance the budget of the entire nation?
6) Kentucky Senator Rand Paul
For several months, Paul was kind of leading the GOP pack. His “outreach” to the African-American community and his anti-interventionist foreign policy seemed to make him a little more palatable. Then came his statements in support of parents who withhold vaccination from their children. Followed by rapid back-pedaling.
Paul has had a history of making outlandish and highly provocative comments, only having to explain them later. That said, he seems to be probably the only one who can appeal to the hardline conservatives and then try to soften up his libertarian and Tea Party credentials for the general election.
7) Texas Senator Ted Cruz
You may be surprised to learn that I didn’t think Cruz would run for President. I thought he just enjoyed letting everyone think he might run. He should know he doesn’t have a chance. He’s caused way too much destruction to this country (leading the government shutdown) and has fomented endless turmoil within his party. His obsession to repeal the ACA drives him. He has done nothing but be an obstructionist on every issue no matter the damage. His claim to fame is that he knows how to read Dr. Seuss’ sbook, Green Eggs & Ham.
Honorable mentions
8) Dr. Ben Carson
One might expect some scientific insight from a former neurosurgeon. That’s why Carson’s recent assertion on CNN that men go into prison straight and come out gay, which he offered as scientific proof that being gay is a choice, is so appalling.
9) Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina
Fiorina has been toying around with the idea of running for President since 2008. The problem is that she has never held any public office and seems to think tha,t having been a corporate CEO, she can just waltz right into the presidency. Talk about having hubris.
By the way, wasn’t she forced to resign as CEO of Hewlett-Packard? And hasn’t she ranked as one of the worst tech CEOs of all time?
10) Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin & Mogul Donald Trump
I’m lumping these contenders together. Neither has any real intention of ever running, and both love the attention they get by feeding into any speculation they might give it a try.
As horribly inarticulate as she is, Sarah Palin is probably smart enough to know that she’s way out of her league running for President. As for Donald Trump, it’s all about doing what he can to increase ratings for The Apprentice.
With the above pool of illustrious candidates, no wonder my Conservative FB friend and I agree that this line-up is a television station’s reality show dream team come true.